A JOURNEY THROUGH MENTAL ILLNESS
Hi TOMillennials, my name is Megan Jacob, but you can call me Meg. I’m 29 years old and recently diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder. This might make you think I had a massive traumatic event in my life, but instead it's a mix of genetics and small moments over time.
I’ve decided to start opening up about my mental health because the fact is, there's so many more people dealing with mental illness than let on. 1 in 5 Canadians to be exact, according to CAMH.
When I was younger I had some small signs of anxiety - anxious poops and a cough when I was nervous. But growing up in the 90s, mental health wasn’t something talked about so I got used to keeping things to myself. Along with that my family valued appearance, following rules, acting happy and slapping a smile on our faces whenever we were in public, and I followed suit for most of my life as I thought my issues would make my family look bad. So with a mix of toxic positivity, guilt, shame and denial I hid everything as best I could.
My mental health issues started showing up more after university. It came out in small ways at the workplace - perfectionism, needing to prove myself, making jokes during uncomfortable moments, always appearing happy, finding the positive in everything (good vibes only! cue toxic positivity), working to be the most accommodating person and willing to put in as many hours as possible. But at home was a different story, I was irritable, had panic attacks, overanalyzed everything I said during the day, cried constantly, shut down completely, isolated myself, went to bed directly after work but couldn’t sleep & mindlessly watched TV. As you can guess - I was not very fun to be around and I am very grateful for those who supported me through it.
When my mental health got worse, it would start to unravel at work - my irritability was harder to control, I started crying in my cubicle and on the train, every little mistake felt like it was the end of the world. Since graduating university in 2014, this has occurred three times, lasting for weeks or months. The only difference is each time it happened I had suicidal thoughts that got stronger, until 2020 where I began to make plans to kill myself and I knew I was no longer able to make sound decisions.
With the encouragement of my husband I started therapy in 2017 and when that wasn’t enough, in 2020 I started medication, took a leave from work and was officially diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder.
Over the years I learned a lot such as boundary setting, how to be easier on myself, managing my thoughts and emotions, being mindful & reading books to help me cope.
If you’ve been struggling, try adding a few things to your life;
Therapy - right now online therapy is a great opportunity
Use breathing techniques & meditation - try the insight timer app, its free
Journal - write your thoughts and feelings down on paper
Consider medication - speak with your doctor
Take mental health days - you can just call in sick, your mental health is just as important as your physical health
Add some form of movement to your day - get outside and explore nature, even a 30 minute walk can help
Sleep - actually get to bed early and try to figure out how much time your body likes. Mine is surprisingly 9 - 10 hours, in my worst moments I was getting 3 - 4 hours
Be easy on yourself - it's okay to have bad days or days where you just can’t get out of bed
Ask for help - you are not alone, reach out to a professional, friend or family member when you need help
Now that I’m working more on my recovery, I’m feeling a lot more like myself these days.I’m sharing my experiences with therapy and my journey with mental illness publicly because sharing this information is important. I hope to show that ordinary people experience mental illness, normalize asking for help, going to therapy & taking medication. If I can help one person pick up the phone to ask for help, I feel I have made a positive impact.
Remember that you’re here for a reason, you matter, you are loved and you deserve to be on this earth.
If you’d like to join me in my journey with mental health, follow me on instagram @megmjacob
Resources:
For finding a therapist: psychologytoday.com
Asking for help, should it go past speaking to family/friends - Canada suicide prevention: 833-456-4566